Celebrities guest-starring in comic books is pretty common fare, but it can be just as common to see a star land their own series altogether. Here’s a rundown of six of the more questionable choices for celebrity-centered comic books.
1.Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Let’s just get this out of the way right now: Marvel has given the greenlight to some pretty strange comic concepts in the past. Yet few come close to giving the leading Catholic lady the Stan Lee treatment.
But before that there was Mother Teresa of Calcutta, a biographic one-off of everyone’s favorite nun. Now we’re not going to claim that Mother Teresa wasn’t deserving of her own comic book but if Marvel had done their research they would have known that kids were much more interested in the Incredible Hulk cracking skulls than Mother Teresa putting out fires and cleaning the ocean, or whatever the hell it was she did. Point being: if you can’t hold your own against Wolverine in a fist-fight, you’re not long for the shelves.
2.The Adventures of Bob Hope
The fine folks at Detective Comics published a one-hundred and nine issue run of the Adventures of Bob Hope, a comic starring none other than America’s favorite funnyman himself. While his adventures aren’t comparable to, say, Superman, Batman, or even Robin, his comics are notable for their photographic covers, capturing the exact moment that Bob Hope’s soul is trapped inside a magic mirror:
Or longing for the love of a mortal woman, as seen here:
Even more bizarre than these covers is how Hope himself is depicted, suffering from sort of terrible giant jaw disorder. He may never be able to fit through the average t-shirt’s neck hole but, on the upside, he can hold down a second job as a nutcracker.
3.Female Force: Stephenie Meyer
You may not consider Stephenie Meyer a celebrity but the facts are in and she has more money than God, thus making her more important than both middle and lower class citizens. To serve the insatiable appetite of Twilight fans, comic publisher Blue Water Comics released this Stephenie Meyer biography.
You would be pretty hard pressed to make Meyer’s life interesting to anyone and skimming through the pages of this gem makes that very apparent. The story itself is narrated by one Count Dracula, presumably because he’s run out of Transylvania countrysides to terrorize. But even the Prince of Darkness himself can’t spice up the story. What follows is the most painfully general telling of a general story possible: girl grows up believing she is different, has suspicions about being different confirmed in high-school, falls in love, gets married, and moves to Utah. There is absolutely no interesting information in the entire comic except that Dracula has enough free time on his hands to force mediocre authors to continue their day job.
So far we’ve learned that nuns, old men, and stalker Draculas don’t make for very entertaining reads. But what happen when you throw Fox News pundits into the sequential art mix? The world’s first Conservative comic book, otherwise known as a tremendous train wreck.
Don’t worry, Hannity is on it.
In a world where those damn liberal lefties have run our country into ruin, it takes a street-wise team of conservative news hosts who are also cyborgs, or something. You know your future is bleak when it’s up to Sean Hannity to save the day.
Warrior, formerly the Ultimate Warrior, formerly a sane human being, is the closest thing to a living, breathing comic book character we may ever see. Just look at him:
That’s way more face paint than you’re required to have to be a professional wrestler. And while tassels are generally associated with exotic dancers more so than super-heroes, we’ll give him props for actually walking around in public like that. And just listen to the guy talk:
Did you catch a word of that that actually made any sense to you?
In 1996, Warrior released the first in a planned six-issue series about his character’s mythology, which would have been a great idea had he not been left to write it himself and even more so if he himself weren’t certifiably insane.
Despite the absurdly muscled character designs, almost nothing comparable to action takes place. Instead we are treated to page upon page of philosophy and made-up words. The series was halted after issue four, but not before the now infamous Christmas issue:
Yes, that’s Santa Claus in what appears to be bondage gear and no, it doesn’t make any sense. Despite the previous issues having a word count higher than most novels, this issue has no dialogue and thus no means to even attempt to explain why this isn’t incredibly horrifying.
6.The Adventures of Dean Marin and Jerry Lee Lewis
Eventually the duo would split and Jerry Lewis would get the whole comic, but before this pulp fiction divorce, the two had adventures together. What kind of adventures, you ask? Why, the only adventures that a problem drinker and a brain damaged man can have!
Here the ladies are flocking to Jerry because they’ve mistaken him for Jim Carrey’s character from Dumb and Dumber. Meanwhile Dean looks like he just handsomed his way out of a Speed Racer cartoon.
As you delve deeper into these covers, you start to realize that the two comedians can never be drawn in the same style at the same time for reasons unknown. Here we have a rare moment where Dean looks like he may actually be a healthy human being. Naturally, Jerry looks like someone struck him with a shovel.