The X-Men universe is filled with awesome and cool mutants. They range from the ultimate bad?*s, Wolverine, to the all powerful Magneto (seriously, do you know what sort of things you could do if you controlled metal?). Unfortunately, for every awesome X-Men character, there are ten incredibly lame ones. So take a look at this list of the X-Men characters lucky enough to have been born with superpowers… and unlucky enough to have ended up ones that landed them on the C-squad.
A not-uncommon reaction when ladies drag their boyfriends to see Twilight.
Zeitgeist discovered his mutant power the same way most X-Men characters do; during a teenage make-out session. Whatever ended up happening, Zeitgeist (a.k.a. Axel Cluney) must have had a terrible experience, because the making out ended with him vomiting all over his lady friend’s face. If that wasn’t bad enough for the poor lass, it turned out that he had the ability to vomit acid. Not only does some dude vomit all over your face, it turns out that the vomit can eat through 10 centimeter thick steel. Talk about bad luck.
This character has got it bad for several reasons. First of all, the poor guy’s claim to fame is acidic vomit, which most humans can achieve with some red peppers and a bottle of tequila. While having an extremely acidic formula at your disposal is somewhat useful, it’s delivery capability is severely limited. If you look at the picture above, it is revealed that Zeitgeist doesn’t really have any projectile vomiting skills, so he has an effective range of like, two feet. Also, he doesn’t really seem to have the accuracy of his acidic spew down to a fine art. It’d be kinda useful if he could precisely aim at things, but he seems to have the vomiting skills of a drunken frat boy. Need to break the hand cuffs on a prisoner’s wrists? If he could throw up accurately, he might be able to corrode the cuffs, but he’s more likely to spray everywhere and do more damage than good.
And finally, we have to bring up the effectiveness of using having acid barf as weapon. Wouldn’t regular vomit do the trick just as well? If you are in a fight with some thugs, and some dude just starts to ralph on your face, you are probably going to huddle over in a corner, unable to fight due to being overcome with sheer disgust (and slight hilarity). The only difference with adding acid into that vomit is the fact that you would huddled in a corner overcome with sheer disgust and extreme, excruciating pain.
This sort of behavior is uncomfortable for everyone who knows him.
Sometimes known as Cypher, this mutant had the enviable power of being able to read, write or speak any language in the world. He also has the amazing ability to… no, that’s about it. While his powers may be useful when seducing chicks by speaking French, there isn’t really much “superhero” use to be found in his powers. He can also fluently write and understand all of the various computer programming languages, which is no small feat, but when your god given unique power is something that only comp sci grad students would be envious about, you know you got the short end of the stick.
Sure, the skill would be pretty darn helpful if you need to pass your SAT’s or something, but the truth is, Doug Ramsey is one of the only X-Men characters with powers that a real life human could possibly achieve. Shoot laser beams out your eyes? Ridiculous. Razor sharp metal claws and regeneration powers? Not possible. Fluently speak Spanish? Kinda doable. Also, there is no way that power could help you out in a fight. At least acid vomit is somewhat useful.
Looking like Mr. Freeze’s illegitimate son is not part of his powers.
There are plenty of mutants in the X-Men universe that have deep blue skin, it’s a fact. However, most of these characters get an awesome trade-off for being mistaken for Smurfs: their whole lives. Nightcrawler has sweet fighting and teleportation skills. Mystique can shape shift into whoever she likes. Beast can even do a really sweet Kelsey Grammer impression. But Jazz… what superpower does he get in addition to being blue?
That’s it. Yep. He doesn’t have any other superpowers. He just has blue skin. Maybe that would be okay if he had super cool martial arts skills, or maybe he was an ace shot, but he doesn’t. He has some pretty awful rap skills, however. One of the key character points is that he is an aspiring rap artist, but also manages to fail at that too. This is not surprising, because we all know that blue people rap like some kind of Vanilla Ice – MC Hammer hybrid.
At least for Doug Ramsay or Zeitgeist, they can apply their powers. Poor old Jazz just passively sits around and does nothing. If you had a mutant power that passively attracted women to you, it wouldn’t be bad, but in Jazz’s case, it’s less of a power, and more of a trait.
One of the few mutants who’s power is as “fabulous” as their derriere.
Regardless of your opinions of Dazzler, at least she has a good enough state of mind to look half decent , despite how awful her powers may be. Dazzler can utilize ‘null point energy’ and some other fake science terms to convert sound into light, making her totally awesome at parties, and decidedly less awesome at everything else. The only place her powers could be usefully applied would be, say, a music concert.
Funny that, because Dazzler was initially supposed to be a ‘singing superhero’ in the late 70’s, back when writers could do whatever the hell they wanted. The idea was to not only create a character in the X-Men universe, but make a movie tie-in and an actual singer in real life. Of course, that really doesn’t have too much to do with the actual character herself, but it still manages to make everyone in the world hate her a little bit more. The idea that she was created as a complete corporate cash cow just makes her seem like Miley Cyrus with nicer thighs.
Luckily we’re evolved enough to accept a lump of chewed gum as a superhero
Similar to Doug Ramsey, Artie seems to be too cool to actually possess a nickname. The comparison to Doug Ramsey doesn’t end there, however. He is also as useless as a rock when it comes to being an X-Men character. Despite looking like he could have hardened armor-skin or crazy squinting powers, Artie can speak in pictures. Tada! Being mute, Artie can somehow telepathically create images to represent his thoughts.
While once again quite useless on the battlefield, Arties powers actually make his everyday life much more difficult. If you could convert sound to light, you’d at least be able to live a normal life if you controlled your powers, but in Artie’s case it takes him a lifetime to ask for directions. His power supposedly makes up for his muteness, but he is either dead stupid or extremely unlucky because he can’t form images of words, which would totally fix the problem right away. Instead, anyone trying to have a conversation with him ends up playing an extended game of Pictionary with him. Also, we’d imagine using a phone would be next to impossible.